I have been pretty absent from my blog lately. Which is not to say that I haven’t been logging in, making sure things are in order and editing; that is constant and I kind of feel like my WordPress dashboard is like a second, virtual home; I feel good being logged in and get a sense of accomplishment looking at my stats and tweaking my work to make it better. But, I haven’t been posting as much as before.
I started a new job this month and kind of fell off the face of the internet since then because my brain was busy learning new things and felt pretty tired out at the end of the day. Hence, fewer posts. However, there has been more going on than just work and sleep (ok, and Netflix…and Game of Thrones season 4….) I don’t like to use the word diet in the form of a verb (“I’m diet-ing.”), but I have definitely been playing with and riding a roller coaster with what I have been eating this month. Before posting the ultimate coconut cream cake that I had all planned out, or the peanut butter eggs I was going to make for Easter, I have hesitated. In the past I have swung back and forth between “Well, if I want to help people, I should only post healthy recipes, right?” and “Cakes and decorated cupcakes and desserts based on books are SO FUN– I want to have fun and I want other people to have FUN!” I keep getting hit with the realization, however, that my body isn’t okay with consuming pounds of sugar and that, you know, I really do have a hard time eating moderately when there is an entire cake in our fridge and only two of us to eat it (plus my boyfriend has the most painfully modest and polite eating habits on the planet–painful because I feel like a stegosaurus by comparison whenever we sit down to eat.) I even try to pawn off desserts on our lovely roommates, but they always seem to have more self-control than I do.
So I’m at a crossroads: what items will you see on my recipes page in the future? Can I follow my passion for baking or do I need to take a break and change things up? I only know that I’m going to keep posting, that I’m going to keep cooking and that I’m dedicated to really taking care of myself and that will ultimately help others do the same when they find my articles. I’m at a crossroads with my personal life as well: can I forgo some of the many pleasurable things that are on offer in the short term in favor of my long-term well-being?
These things have been at the forefront of my mind…
My mom has been off sugar for months now: absolutely incredible. I’m going sugar-free myself this week (small increments of time feel less panic inducing and are easier to stick to) and seeing her do it is definitely an inspiration.
This article has great information about what cravings indicate about your body’s deficiencies, for example, when you’re craving sweets, eat cheese, sweet potatoes or fresh fruit because your body is really craving chromium, carbon phosphorous, tryptophan and sulfur.
One Part Plant, Jessica Murnane’s blog for healthy eating. Really gorgeous recipes.
I’ve been engaging in EFT to clear away a lot of the childhood hangups I’m still carrying around about food, for example the concept of “comfort food,” the idea of eating ice-cream when you feel sad, or the basic idea that eating food is a reward or, even something to be rewarded (remember the ‘clean plate club?’) I first heard about EFT from reading Gala Darling.
I’m also engaging in conversations to clear out aforementioned hangups: talking to my boyfriend, family and even friends about it helps so much. I’d like to make a note that I’ve talked about my eating issues my whole life, but in a very different way. I would brag about how much I could eat without gaining weight, I would joke about how I had no control over myself and would talk endlessly about chocolate (girls are supposed to talk about chocolate, right? that’s like ‘our thing!’) I literally thought if my eating wasn’t disordered in the starving/purging side of things, then I had a healthy relationship with food (oh, teenaged brain….)
I’m reading more, writing more, learning more. I like to be challenged and I like to reward myself emotionally when I’ve done something difficult. Usually this reward comes in the form of food. I went and bought some new books this month. I’m reading them. I’m excited about reading them and look forward to reading them. It’s kind of simple and may seem feeble as far as a ‘defense’ goes, but having a part of every day to do something I like takes the edge off the day’s stressors and I truly believe it’s helping me with the panicked ‘stress eating’ that I experience.
I will definitely post more on this subject and I hope that it doesn’t come across as too fragmented or negative in any way! I am in the midst of these changes, so it is hard to talk about them with the detachment that time and experience provide. (I also have no desire to overshadow anyone who has actually been diagnosed with an eating disorder and their trials. I also have no training or qualifications to advise from a medical or psychological standpoint, but these fine folks do.) This is where I’m at and I thought I’d share a little of what’s going on in my brain and in my kitchen lately. Please feel free to comment!